


I'm Here For You

by selysa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-07 08:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14667126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selysa/pseuds/selysa
Summary: Connie, unable to deal with his loss, shut himself off in his cabin. Jean couldn't handle seeing his friend suffer like that anymore and payed him a visit.





	1. It'll All Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie, unable to deal with his loss, shut himself off in his cabin. Jean couldn't handle seeing his friend suffer like that anymore and payed him a visit.

It was early evening when Connie heard his comrades return. The sudden appearance of noise and chatter startled him, considering the fact that he spent the day in his small cabin, all by himself and with only the airship’s monotonous whirring drowning out the pressing silence. While he attentively listened to the footsteps entering the corridor, getting threateningly close, but passing by and eventually falling silent again, he stared at the ceiling. Or at least that’s where his eyes were aimed. He couldn’t see anything. The gnawing pain in his chest demanded his entire attention and numbed him for any other sensation.

After several minutes, the rattling sound of a nearby door opening and shutting again filled the hall. When he noticed the approaching footsteps, directly heading for his cabin, Connie briefly pondered whether it was worth the effort of getting up or at least facing the wall. He decided it wasn’t.

The footsteps stopped in front of the door. Whoever it was seemed to be hesitating. All the better. Connie wished they would just leave. But this hope was in vain. “Connie?” A worried call, followed by a knock on the door. “Are you there?” Interesting question. Was he there? Did he want to be there? Didn’t matter. He couldn’t answer anyway. “Connie, I’m coming in.”

Connie held his breath. The door was swung open gently and Jean stepped in, an uneasy expression on his face. “Hey.” His lips formed a faint smile. Connie managed to turn his head, though he only recognized him after a few seconds. “Jean.” His voice was hoarse and almost inaudible, but the sight of his friend induced his empty eyes to light up for a second. Jean sighed, relieved that Connie had answered at all. He closed the door and took another step towards the bed. Connie, however, stared blankly at the ceiling again. Yes, he was happy to see Jean, but it wasn’t enough to soothe his pain.

“Connie, please. Talk to me.” Jean took one more step and was now standing right in front of the bed, trying to meet Connie’s eyes. “Don’t cut yourself off. We only have each other now.” His voice was shaking a little and he took a deep breath. Connie bit his lip. This caught him off guard. Jean usually kept his feelings for himself and never showed any sign of weakness. Slowly he straightened himself up until he sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m… sorry.”, he said voiceless and lowered his gaze. “It’s just…” He sniffed. “It hurts... So much.” “I know.” Jean’s voice broke. “Me too.” He sat down next to Connie and sighed again. “And that’s why I don’t want to lose you as well!”, he added quietly, but firmly. Connie jolted and gasped. “Jean…” He didn’t know what to say. Of course Jean was just as hurt as he was. But he just couldn’t deal with it! Not yet. He felt like someone ripped open his chest, teared out his heart and left behind a gaping wound, too deep to be healed ever again. He crossed his arms and snivelled. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted this numbing pain to just disappear.

Jean inhaled sharply. The loss was bad enough as it was to him, but seeing Connie suffer like that was far worse. He could almost feel his tormenting agony in his own heart. “It’ll all be okay.”, he said lightly, not sure whether he was trying to cheer up his friend or himself. Slowly he put his arm around Connie’s shoulders and repeated: “It’ll be okay.”

Connie twitched. The warmth and comfort of Jean’s touch were more than he could take at the moment. “Jean…” He was tongue-tied and his lips trembled. “Yeah, I’m right here, Connie. And I’m not going anywhere.” That was too much. Jean’s calming voice gave him the rest. It went right through his barricade of numbness, dissolving it and luring out all of his repressed emotions. Immediately he collapsed and found himself weeping and sobbing hysterically on Jean’s shoulder. Jean tightened his grip, pulling Connie closer and stroking the back of his head comfortingly. Silent tears were flowing down his face, while Connie kept on wailing and clinging to his chest.

“Shhh. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay.”

 


	2. You Started It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean's visit evolved into an unplanned sleep-over which turned out to be rather embarrassing for both of them.

_Before Dawn_

The brief moments between sleeping and being awake are fragile. A fluent transition of stepping out of one world into another, coined by not knowing which world it is one’s entering, combined with not being able to have any influence on it. And it can be confusing, highly confusing. Especially when experienced in unfamiliar surroundings.

When Connie woke up, dwelling in the uncertain, yet soothing cloud of semi-consciousness for just one more minute, he immediately noticed something was off with his pillow. It felt warmer than usual and rather firm. Almost uncomfortable. Too tired to actually check what’s up, he tried moving his head a little and it didn’t adjust. This was really irritating, if not unsettling. Slightly annoyed he snarled and dared opening his eyes a little. “… Huh?!” He gulped and his eyes were wide open now. Breathing evenly, apparently fast asleep, Jean was lying in his bed. And he found himself lying on Jean’s chest!

With a gasp, blushing scarlet, he threw himself to the wall, as far away from his friend as his small bed allowed. Which was not very far. But still. Frantically, he tried to recall how this could have happened. The last thing he remembered was Jean comforting him while he was crying. Which he did for a very, _very_ long time. He must have just fallen asleep… “God dammit! As if the wailing hasn’t been embarrassing enough for itself!” His cheeks burnt of humiliation. For a few minutes he was just sitting there, chewing on his lips and feeling ashamed. “I’ll apologize when he wakes up.”, he murmured, gazing at Jean. “Please, don’t be mad at me!” Yet Jean just continued sleeping peacefully, snoring faintly from time to time. Connie narrowed his eyes. “On the other hand… Maybe he fell asleep first? Who knows? Yeah, that must be it! Of course! Geez. He's got a nerve!” Somewhat reassured, although the idea of him being the one to fall asleep first was still there in the back of his head, he curled up right next to the wall. He was still tired. And just because Jean happened to be there too, he shouldn’t miss out on his sleep, shouldn’t he? They’re friends after all, so what’s the big deal? He bit his lip. If he was being honest he had to admit that Jean’s presence actually appeased him tremendously. Who was he trying to fool? In fact, this had been the first time in a long time he got some sleep in the first place and managed to think about anything else than the tormenting pain that usually occupied his mind. And he savored every moment of it.

After a few minutes, he could feel how he was slowly overpowered by his weariness again. Yet when he was just on the verge of actually falling asleep, Jean abruptly rolled from his back onto his side with a soft grunt, swinging his arm around and therefore causing his hand to land on Connie’s waist. “What the fuck?!” Connie squeaked and widened his eyes in shock. Jean’s hand slipped down a little, now resting on his hip bone and leaving him even more flustered. With caution in order not to wake him, but still vigorously he tried shaking it off. Jean only grumbled discontentedly and moved even closer, firming his grip. “EEEEE!” Connie froze. “Whyyyy, though?!” He blushed and screamed internally. Jean, however, just mumbled peacefully and started snoring again. Connie now tried wiggling out of this accidental embrace, but Jean was too strong, even when he was asleep. Several failed escape attempts later, he resigned. This was so awkward. Yes, he _did_ enjoy being close to Jean, especially when he had been comforting him earlier, but this was… different. It was _too_ close. Connie felt like he couldn’t breathe. Only for a moment his discomfort caused his mind to wander, brushing the edge of the deep abyss he so barely escaped from. But again, Jean’s presence shielded him from any dark thoughts and calmed him down at once. He sighed. “Dammit. How do you do that? You’re not even _doing_ anything.”

Now that he had slowly started engaging in this situation he realized very soon it wasn’t actually unpleasant. As a matter of fact, he genuinely appreciated it. Almost yearningly he absorbed every last bit of Jean’s warmth. “This… isn’t half bad.” Carefully, he nestled up even closer to his friend, his forehead slightly touching Jean’s collarbone, and closed his eyes. Now this felt just right. He even caught himself smiling brightly. And shortly afterwards he dozed off into the world of dreams again, without spending any single thought on the pain that kept him awake so many times before.

 

_Around Midnight_

It had been several hours since Jean had decided to check on Connie. While he had been very much aware his friend had already grown out of being this somewhat dorky class clown he had used to be so many years before quite some time ago, secluding himself completely was not his way of doing things at all, which meant he wasn’t coping well. And indeed, his friend had been even worse than he had initially thought. It wasn’t Jean’s strong suit to deal with other people’s feelings and it had been awfully difficult for him watching him cry like that, but he was still somewhat relieved that after days of isolation Connie had finally opened himself up a little towards him.

Absent-minded, he had kept stroking Connie’s hair, who had been wretchedly sobbing at his shoulder for ages, gazing into space while trying to find some comfort himself, when he suddenly noticed that Connie had fallen silent. He didn’t know how long they had been sitting there like that, but it had been a while so this was about time. “Hey, buddy. You okay?” No answer. “No? Connie?” Jean leaned back a little, trying to take a quick glance at Connie’s face, but as soon as he moved, Connie slid down, coming to a halt in his lap. “Oh.” Just for a second he held his breath, concerned, but Connie seemed to be asleep. Jean relaxed and smiled mildly. “Aww. It’s okay. Get some rest. I should be going, too.” Very carefully, he tried shoving his friend away, which proved to be rather difficult, as he was clinging to his shirt tightly. “Hmm.” He took another weak attempt of freeing himself, without success. “Come on, man.” This was starting to get annoying, yet he didn’t have the heart of actually pushing Connie away. “Now what, huh? Should I stay here with you?” He listened to Connie’s even breathing for a while, just watching him. He was sleeping placidly, mumbling something every once in a while, and Jean imagined he looked quite happy. He sighed. “Hm. Alright then.”

Slowly, he reclined until he lay flat on his back, one hand at the back of Connie’s neck so he wouldn’t slide off, the other reaching for a pillow. It wasn’t exactly comfortable to him. “Dude, how do you sleep on this thing?”, he groaned, shoving the pillow under his head. “Ugh, this even worse.” Besides Connie’s head was now resting on his chest with what felt like the entire weight of his body. “How can one be that skinny and still weigh a ton?!” Jean quietly complained to himself, jiggling back and forth in order to find a comfy position. Connie commented on this via grumpy muttering and Jean grimaced. “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” He had decided to stay, so he would have just have to deal with it. For a few minutes he stared at the ceiling, torn between being annoyed and just getting his shit together and accepting this situation. It wasn’t _that_ bad, actually. He just felt awkward and needed some distraction, so he kept on carping to himself mutedly.

After a few minutes he thought he was now able to just deal with it, when all of a sudden Connie took a deep breath, brabbled something that suspiciously sounded like “Jean.” and clinged to him affectionately. “Whoa.” Jean blushed and squinched up his face. At first he wanted to protest and push him off, but he hesitated. He felt embarrassed even thinking about this but he had to admit this small gesture had genuinely touched him. And what kind of friend could have just left now that Connie appeared to be so blissfully asleep? If anything he should have been proud of obviously providing so much comfort. “Okay, okay, buddy. I surrender.”

Tenderly, he started ruffling Connie’s hair again and closed his eyes. Why shouldn’t he try to get some sleep, too? They were friends. And Connie had never been thrifty with hugs or other small signs of affection, so this wasn’t even unfamiliar to Jean. But something was different. He couldn’t pin down what it was, but he didn’t have the energy to mull over this right now anyway. “Just come off it.”, he quietly said to himself. Now it didn’t take long until Jean noticed he was slowly dropping off, too. For a moment he tried fighting it, still questioning if that was a good idea, but Connie’s warm embrace, although most probably coincidental, took him in completely and away into a soft slumber.

 

_Early Morning_

The next morning, both of them were gradually waking up and still somewhat dizzy, when they noticed each others' presence and startled. They were lying face-to-face and were still holding each other close, entangled and unaware which limb belonged to whom. Neither one knew what to make out of this situation, especially considering what they had witnessed throughout the night. Now fully awake, they hastily lowered their eyes in embarrassment, moved away from each other slightly and then remained dead still, as if they didn’t dare drawing any kind of attention to them. The silence was pressing and even more embarrassing than the tight embrace before, so Jean found his tongue first. He cleared his throat.

“Erm… Morning. Are you feeling better?” He didn’t dare looking up, though. “Sure thing, pal!” Connie’s voice cracked and he realized how stupid that sounded himself, so he decided to bite his tongue for now. Jean chuckled nervously. He didn’t want to discuss the elephant in the room, but he couldn’t think of any other way to dissolve this tension. “Funny thing, eh?”, he said just slightly too casually. When Connie didn’t react he added: “Like… Totally weird.” “Mhm. Totally.”, Connie now agreed. Jean inhaled sharply and decided to go the whole hog. Cocky he said: “I mean, I know you’re clingy, but, well, I didn’t expect that.” “HUH?!” Connie bounced up furiously and flailed his arms. “Are you fucking kidding me?! YOU’RE the one who just GRABBED me and didn’t let go!” Jean quickly sat up too and yelled back: “Oh really? Who fell asleep on ME then, you can tell me that?!” “You stroked my hair!!!” “You pounced on me!!!” “YOU PUT YOUR FUCKING ARM AROUND ME!!!” “GRR!!!” “EEEEE!”

They kept on screeching and gesturing furiously for several minutes, neither one of them making any sense and both of them ashamed of their respective role in this play, until Connie impetuously hit his head on the wall in his tantrum. “ For fuck’s sake!” He cursed and rubbed the small bump on his forehead frenziedly. “God dammit!” Immediately Jean eased up. “Shoot. Are you okay?”, he asked, worried he might have actually hurt himself. Connie shrieked: “No, I’m not, you... you... horse-faced potato!” Speechless Jean looked at him for a second, then he burst out with laughter. Now that was how he had known his friend. However, his guffaw angered Connie even more. He crossed his arms and pouted. “Well, fuck you, too!” Jean chuckled one last time. “Oh no, I’m sorry.”, he then added, sincerely. He didn’t _want_ to fight and couldn’t even remember why he had been so angry about this. They have been hugging. Wow. Like many times before. Maybe closer than usual. How tragic. So what. “Really. Come on, let’s… Let’s just stop this nonsense.” Connie snorted, still pouting, but he looked up to meet Jean’s eye. He didn’t want to fight either, of course not. He just couldn’t stop feeling ashamed and tried to mask his embarrassment with anger.

“But you started it.”, he sulked. Jean raised his brows, then his lips formed a smile. “Well.. Why don’t we just say we both started it, hm?” “...” “Yeah, I can see that evil eye, it doesn’t suit you, you know. “Excuse me?!” “Erm… What about… We have both been victims to the circumstance?”, he offered diplomatically. “Hm.” Connie narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but he did calm down a little. Why make things difficult for himself when Jean obviously wasn’t giving one fuck at all? “Yeah, okay. I’m fine with that. I guess.” “That’s settled, then!” Jean gave him a friendly nudge. He was genuinely relieved. “And now stop pouting. Let’s just... just forget about this.” He couldn't prevent blushing a little. This conjured a grin up on Connie's face. He nudged him back and said quietly: “Sure. I mean, you still started it. But you know, that’s okay.”

 


	3. I've Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After quite some time isolating himself again Connie decided to take initiative himself. And he got an idea of what closure might feel like.

With a blank expression, Connie stared out of his window. It was late afternoon and apparently it was still rather crowded outside. The muffled noise of various different chatter and laughter reached his ears, yet his gaze wasn’t aimed downward to his comrades but into the far distance. He wasn’t focused on anything in particular there. As the gradually setting sun was shining directly into his eyes he couldn’t exactly see anything in the first place. He didn’t even _want_ to see anything. He just wasn’t equipped to deal with any sensory perception whatsoever.

It had only been two days since they had returned home. While he had secretly been looking forward to coming back since the minute they had left, he now wished he could just make off again. Of course it hadn’t been easy for him to deal with his loss, but after he had spent the night with Jean he had managed to keep his grief and sorrow somewhat in rein on the airship. And apart from that it was also blissfully oblivious being on the go. Eventually, he had even been hoping the pending funeral would provide him with closure. But he had been wrong, dead-wrong. The moment he had set foot on the ground, finding himself in these so awfully familiar surroundings, yet also knowing it was never _ever_ going to be the same again, he had felt this agonizing, numbing pain he so laboriously fought off in his chest again and he had almost been suffocating from his suppressed emotions. And from then on it had only been going downhill. It had taken him immense effort getting through the funeral in a half-decent manner and he knew without Jean standing right next to him, lightly touching his arm every now and then, he would have completely lost it. And so much for closure. When everyone else had left and he had been sitting in the grass, gazing at Sasha’s grave for what felt like an eternity, he had finally realized that this was actually it. No turning back and nothing to be done against it. She was gone. _Forever_. The sudden awareness shattered him utterly. Slowly, he had been getting up, keeping his now wide open eyes fixated on the gravestone, hesitating for only one more moment and then abruptly turning on his heels, rushing to his quarters frantically. He had to get away from it, he just had to get away from all of it. As soon as he reached his room and the door had snapped shut, he had been storming to his window, supporting himself on the windowsill and gasping for breath. His heart had been beating fast and the pressing agony drove tears into his eyes, but the expected crying fit had failed to appear. He had returned to the state of numbness. And since then he hadn’t been able to move.

By now his whole body was aching from standing in one place for so many hours, plus he hadn’t been eating or sleeping the whole time either. But he didn’t care. He simply didn’t care for anything anymore. If at all, he endorsed the physical pain as it distracted him from the one in his heart a little. It was so much worse than he had ever felt before. From time to time there had been footsteps on the hallway and he had been wondering what he was going to do if someone actually sought him out, yet the only one who had knocked at his door this morning had once again been Jean. He knew it was difficult for his friend too and he had genuinely been struck that there was someone who cared about him, but he hadn’t had the energy to answer, let alone to get to the door and open it, and Jean had had the decency to not burst in without permission again. To be honest, Connie wished he _had_ bursted in. But considering the fact he hadn’t even been able to answer his friend he thought he wouldn’t have deserved his company anyway. Besides, there had been this weird atmosphere between them since Jean had left the cabin the morning they had woken up next to each other. He couldn’t specifically describe what it was, but there had been a certain awkwardness and unpleasantry between them. Not that _he_ cared. Nothing had happened and the matter was closed now after all. Yet for some reason Jean, although arguing the converse, seemed to be affected by it still. The way he had dodged Connie’s eyes after the funeral, had even ignored him calling, and had hurried to his quarters instead... Connie inhaled sharply. Or maybe he was just imagining things. It’s not like his mind was in good shape right now. All he knew for sure was that he was feeling tremendously lonely and that he dreaded losing Jean as well. Especially over such an insignificant incident. “For fuck’s sake.” Tears were dwelling up in his eyes. He couldn’t handle being on his own. For as long as he could remember he had had the people he loved around him. First his parents and siblings, then Sasha and eventually Jean. But he was painfully aware he had lost both his family and the most important person in his life. And now he was about to lose the only one he had left, too? How was he going to live with that? He tried to gulp back his tears but the inevitable hiccoughing couldn’t been staved off. For a second he felt unspeakably wronged and victimized, wondering what on earth he had done to deserve all of this and wallowing in self-pity. Yet the next second he snapped out of his self-absorption so suddenly as if someone had flipped a switch. “What the _fuck_ are you doing here?!” He pushed himself off the windowsill. “If you don’t wanna lose your friend you might want to consider taking fucking initiative yourself for once in your life!” Determined he dashed off. He tumbled a little when he noticed how much his legs hurt yet he just closed his eyes for a second and then ignored the pain. By now he had had lots of practise in this. Without thinking or paying any attention to his surroundings he just stormed through the barracks until he reached the corridor where Jean’s room was.

The thing with mood swings, especially the upswings, is they only last for a rather short time, usually. And Connie’s had faded away the second he stood in front of Jean’s door. He was just about to lift his hand to knock, when it came into his mind that Jean maybe didn’t _want_ to see him. Why else would he have just ran off from the funeral? “He did come to see me this morning, though.” _And went away again after like 10 seconds._ “I didn’t even answer him.” _If he wanted to see you he would have come in anyway_ . “Maybe he didn’t want to bother me…” _Or he just doesn’t care about you…_ He kept mumbling to himself and his anxiety for quite a long time. He must have been standing in front of the door for twenty minutes when it suddenly opened. Jean, about to hurry out of his room at full speed, bumped directly into him. “DUDE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???” Connie was so obsessed over his anxiety he couldn’t even look up. Why had he come here? Had he been completely out of his mind? Jean, still recovering from his shock, kept on snapping. “Connie?! Hello?! Why the hell are you creeping outside my fucking door?” Enraged for not being answered or even acknowledged as a person who’s speaking he grasped Connie’s upper arm firmly. “Dude?! The fuck?!” Slowly Connie raised his head.  Jean was glaring at him furiously, still grabbing onto his arm. This explicit anger forced him to start sobbing again. Immediately Jean let go off him and frowned. “C-Connie?” With a strained howl Connie threw himself into his arms. “Whoa!” In order to keep his balance he staggered and held onto Connie’s waist. “Hey. What is going on here?” Connie couldn’t bring forth anything but uncontrollable sobbing. On the fence whether to be annoyed about it or not Jean groaned quietly, yet he gently lifted his friend a little and shoved him inside his room. Connie clinged on to him tightly, clenching the fabric of his shirt and pressing his head against his shoulder. It was different from last time, when he just hadn’t been able to suppress his grief anymore and had yielded to his emotional outburst. This was intentionally expressed sadness. Jean felt overchallenged. He managed to push Connie away but the sight of him crying and sniveling so miserably made him feel really uncomfortable. “Hey, buddy. Would you tell me what’s up?” In between his now convulsive sobbing Connie managed to croak out “P-P-Please don’t be m-m-mad at m-m-me.”, followed by another heart-rending howl. “Mad? Why would I be mad?” Jean tried to meet his eyes but due to all his crying it was rather difficult to accomplish. “Connie! I’m not mad at you. Why would you even think that?” He couldn’t answer. “Actually, I was just about to go check on you. Why would I do that if I were mad?” _He’s lying_. “Hey, man. Would you like… Stop crying already?” Jean’s expression softened. He had already guessed Connie wasn’t in a good place but apparently he had completely lost it. Considering the deep shadows under his eyes he hadn’t got any sleep lately, either. How he was standing there in front of him, still hiccoughing, gazing at him with his tired, sad puppy eyes and shivering lips, he felt the sudden urge to comfort him. But how? The only thing that came into his mind was hugging him. And so he did. “It’s okay.” He softly stroked his back. “I’m here.” His cheek nestled against Jean’s collarbone, Connie faintly mumbled: “I’m sorry.” Jean sighed. “Don’t. It’s… fine. Let’s… Let’s just have a seat and talk a little, hm?”

Carefully, he steered him towards the bed and made him sit down before he settled himself next to him. “So what’s all this about now? I mean it’s not just…” He paused for a second. “... the funeral, right? I can tell.” “I… don’t know.” Connie’s voice was still hoarse and barely audible, but at least the hiccoughing had stopped by now. “It’s just… Fuck, I can’t lose any more people, Jean. I _can’t_ .” “Hey…” Jean couldn’t deal with this sudden vulnerable gravity. And he was very much aware there wasn’t anything he could say to make him feel better. So they just sat there in silence, Connie staring at the floor gloomily and Jean feeling like a complete jerk for not being able to find an appropriate answer. After a few minutes Connie sniveled. “I loved her, you know.”, he said flatly. Jean looked at him with concern. “I fucking loved her! She is… She _was_ … She was everything to me. And now she’s just… _gone_ ?!” Somewhat overwhelmed Jean put his hand on Connie’s shoulder. “I am so sorry. I… I already figured.” “Yeah?” “Yeah… It was... pretty obvious. But, like, not in a bad way.” “Hm…” “No, really. I actually think it was kinda cute.” Connie buried his face in his hands. “I never told her. I never fucking told her. And now I’ll never be able to tell her… Ever…” “Connie, stop.” Jean firmed his grip. “She knew. I’m convinced she knew. And... She loved you, too. Everyone could see that.” “Yeah, right.” “I’m not kidding.” An awkward silence emerged between them. Connie gnawed on his lower lip. Tears were flooding his eyes again and he hated himself for not being able to contain himself. Jean crossed his arms and lowered his head. Very quietly he said: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just… I don’t know what to do. I know _I_ am struggling to deal with this. And… And I know how it feels like to lose somebody you love. It’s… just so _indescribably_ painful. I also know nothing I say will ease this the slightest bit. I’ve been there.”  He exhaled sharply and Connie suddenly noticed he was hurting, too. He moved a little closer. “Jean. You don’t mean…” “Marco. Yeah.”  “Oh.” There was this awkward silence again. “I… had no idea.” “Yeah, well, not everyone can be an open book.” “I feel mildly offended.” “That’s what I intended.” For a moment they just glared at each other then they both started chuckling briefly. “I’m sorry, though.”, said Connie after he calmed down. Jean took a deep breath. “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not. But it kinda is.” “I don’t get it.” “Well, listen. This is important. When Marco… So when he died, it was just… It was the worst. There’s nothing I can say to describe how it felt. I mean, you know what I’m talking about.” “Yeah…” “But… You know, eventually, it just… You kinda get used to it. Don’t get me wrong, man. There’s not a single day I don’t think about him. But some day it just wasn’t that _painful_ anymore. I mean… Wow, that’s difficult… Of course it hurts. It still does. When you lose what’s most important to you it always leaves behind a gaping wound. And even if that wound closes, there’s this scar. You’re able to live your life, sometimes you don’t even notice it anymore. But it’s there and you know it and from time to time it hurts. Does that make sense?” Connie gulped. “It does… But it doesn’t really sound too promising…” “Hey…” Jean bumped his knee against Connie’s. “I’m not gonna lie. It’s not great. But it’s okay. And you’ll be okay. Cause you know what? You and Sasha have been there for me. And now I am here for you. I’ll always be with you. We will mourn her. We will keep her alive in our memories. And one day we will be able to look back with a smile. Think of everything we went through together. I know it sounds impossible right now, but believe me, together we’ll make it.” With these words he enfolded him in his arms again. Connie wondered why every time Jean touched him he actually thought everything might be okay eventually. He squeezed up his face against Jean’s chest and said “I was so afraid.” “Hm?” “Of you being mad with me.” “Connie. I already told you I’m not. Why the hell would you think that, anyway?” “You… You just left after the… the funeral. Although I… I was calling you.” “Seriously? That’s why?” He wanted to shove him away a little bit in order to look him in the eyes but he stubbornly struggled against him. So Jean sighed and explained: “I just needed some alone time. But that’s got nothing to do with you, silly!” He affectionately ruffled Connie’s hair, who started sobbing again. “I don’t wanna lose you!” “And you won’t! Man, I really didn’t know it was _such_ a big deal for you.” “Nyeh.” “ _Nyeh_?” But Connie didn’t answer. “Okay, nyeh then.”

Connie’s head was getting rather uncomfortable at his chest but Jean noticed he wasn’t even bothered by it. And fondling his hair was pretty calming. He had to admit he actually enjoyed it more than he wanted to. After quite a while of listening to Connie’s even breathing Jean asked quietly: “Hey, are you asleep?” “Nah.”, his friend answered right away. “Just… Engaging in the moment. And like… kinda... enjoying… it?” He blushed and buried his face deeper into Jean’s shirt, who now laughed. “Aww. Precious. But… Yeah, me too.” He sighed. “Man, it’s getting late.” _Was that a broad hint?_ “You know…” Connie said sheepishly. “I really don’t feel like leaving now.” Jean stretched himself a little and snickered. “Don’t leave then.” _Oh, it wasn’t._ “For real?” He lifted his head a little and found himself directly looking into Jean’s eyes “Yeah, sure.” He snorted and then smirked. “I mean… If you maintain your boundaries this time.” “Oh…” Connie moved away slightly, blushing in embarrassment, and now Jean cackled loudly. “Aww, man, I was kidding!” “Why, though?” “I don’t know, just felt like it. Maybe I’m just tired.” He yawned demonstratively. “You look like you could use some sleep, too.” _Okay, now that was a broad hint_ .  “Okay. Doesn’t sound too bad…”, he said although he didn’t want to go to sleep yet. Quite self-conscious he remained sitting on the edge of the bed while Jean was quickly plumping up his pillow and made himself comfortable, close to the edge so that there was some room between him and the wall. “What?”, he then asked as he grabbed for the scrunched up blanket. “N-Nothing.” Clumsily, Connie scrambled over Jean’s legs and lied down close beside him. “Night, then.” , said Jean, spread the blanket and turned off the lantern on his bedside table. “Yeah, night.” Connie turned around so that he faced the wall. Now that he was so close to Jean once more he noticed how much he had actually been yearning for this and felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for making such a fuss _again_ . And embarrassed for relishing this so much. _Pathetic_. But he also realized that he didn’t really care about that right now in a way. Several minutes had passed by in complete silence when he heard Jean moving, apparently turning around as well. He could also hear him inhaling deeply, then holding his breath, before he suddenly felt Jean’s slightly shaking hand on his stomach. He tensed up a bit for he hadn’t expected this. “Is that okay?”, Jean asked with a coarse voice, indicating to move away his hand for an ever so brief moment. Connie, however, held onto it and even pulled him a little closer. “Yeah.” He chuckled, still tense but now grinning widely. “So much for maintaining boundaries, eh?”

The bright but pleasant morning sun was shining through the windows. Connie woke up rather abruptly. For a second he had to orientate himself and his still weary head was completely occupied with finding out where he was. Yet the next second he knew why he had woken up as he could feel someone softly caressing his back. His shoulders. His hair. His neck... “Nyeh!” “Oh, there it is again.” He rolled onto his back and looked up into Jean’s somewhat mischievous face. “Huh?” It was _way_ too early. “That sound. It’s funny.” Jean’s eyes were lighting up and he burst out with whinnying laughter. “So, erm, good morning.” Connie grimaced grouchily. “Yeah, good morning to you, too. And you know what you sound like? A horse. Really suits your face.” “So charming.” Jean was still snickering. “The horse imagery never gets old. I could get used to this.” He nudged him. “I really can’t pin down if you’re just grumpy in the mornings or if it’s me.” Connie groaned, then laughed. “It’s you, obviously.” “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” They both chuckled. Jean straightened himself. “You look better, though. Are you feeling okay?” “Hmm. I don’t know.” Connie sat up too and sighed. “I mean, no, I’m not really okay. But I actually got a decent night’s sleep… And I feel… better.” “Well, it’s a start, then.” Jean ruffled his hair and got up to stretch himself. Connie didn’t really know what to do. Somehow, this whole situation was awkward. But it also wasn’t. It felt right and wrong at the same time. Mostly right, if he was being honest. “Jean..?” “Yep.” He was now standing in front of the mirror, arranging his hair. Connie bit his lip. “Jean, I… Erm... Thank you.” “Hm? For what?” “For letting me stay.” Sitting on the bed seemed awkward so he stood up, too. “I really, _really_ appreciate it.” “Connie.” Jean let his hair be hair and got closer to him. “You don’t have to thank me for that, silly. I told you. I’m here for you. Always will be.” Connie went scarlet. “B-but I… I don’t wanna bother you.” “Oh please.” Jean put his hand on his shoulder. “You are not bothering me? Why do you think that? Also this thing with me being mad with you...” He paused. “Yes. Okay. Plain language. I have to admit, the thing on the airship was a little strange. I think we both got carried away. And I didn’t really know what to say so I decided it was best to just not mention it again. And I’m sorry if that was ambiguous of me. But I’m not mad and you’re not bothering me. _At all_ .” “Really?” “ _Really._ Come on, now don’t waste your time thinking about such nonsense.” He moved his hand to Connie’s nape, stroked his hair ever so briefly, and then pulled him into a close embrace. “We’ve got each other. And that’s everything that counts.” “Yes...” Why the hell was he crying again?! “It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m here. And it’ll be alright.” And as he closed his eyes, savouring the comfort of Jean’s presence, he actually thought he might have been right.

 


End file.
